STARTING OVER AND OVER AND...

So,
This is where I'm supposed to get all deep and philosophical introducing myself to well lets be honest right now no one. But that’s cool I'm sort of doing this, well lets be honest facebook wont let me rant in book form.
Whelp, if anyone ever dose read this I guess let me start with...HI! and now about me.

When last we left our Hero...So this is me Matthew, basically I'm your average guy and by that I mean a 12 year old trapped in a 37 (not in a row) year old body. not really, as much as I hate to say it I'm growing up and someday might even be one of those ADULT people but I fight it pretty hard. I'm your "A-typical” misanthropic asshole!
 I love wine, old movies, long walks on the beac...wait wrong place.
presently I live in the heart of Downtown Denver I actually like it here, but getting ready to move to Des Moines IA, something I do a lot for short periods of time. Although not always Des Moines, but I did spend 3 months there a few years back.
Anyway...

I live with my cat "Dude" in a shoe box of a 1 bed room apt. the place (I believe used to be an old boarding house then a hotel)  its kind of odd and kooky in an old place charm kind of way.
I Have a odd coffee addiction, smoke way to much a lot of the time, work as a Cook/Chef/whatever for the last almost 30 years... for the next few weeks I'm working for a place at DIA (to be honest I hate it there and only stayed this long because a good friend is the Kt. Manger) as the time has pasted I'm starting to feel burned out on it as well, the whole cooking thing that is. so why this? well to tell the truth I'm doing this because, well I can... I guess.
You will come to find out if you haven't already that I don't ever think I have anything to say but will say anything that comes to mind anyway. Ok so there you have as much as I want to share about me right now. besides its my day off today and I did nothing all that worth talking about over all, I mean how much can you share about doing laundry right. anyway I know I'm supposed to tell you all about my plan for this thing. But well I don't have one. its going to sort of organic I guess, by the way (and I'm sure you've taken note) yes my spelling sucks and I'm terrible with the punctuation. 

I'm not apologizing just forewarning. I do use spell-check but that's not always reliable.

SO if you're a fucking Grammar Nazi and shit, well you get it I think.   over all you will come to find 1) i don't give a flying fuck what you think of it 2) fuck you, No wait 2)...well I don't have a 2 YET 

also I cuss a lot I try to write like I speak, I live in a very odd world of kitchens and well the F-bomb get dropped a lot deal with it!   

I believe everyone LIES about dumb shit, we all hate it but I find this very intriguing.

some past posts are going to/have been deleted. This is a new blog and a new thing for me (maybe) we'll see how long this lasts, I get bored easy.

Basically...I'd say I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not. I excel at not giving a shit. Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectations beget disappointment, so the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest. A equals B equals C Equals A, or whatever. I also don't have a lot of interest in being a good person or a bad person. From what I can tell, either way, you're screwed. Bad people are punished by society's laws, and good people are punished by Murphy's Law. So you see my dilemma.

so thats me I guess, I'll try to keep this thing up and going as much as I can 

Later,
Matthew

Holy Shit balls its been a while...
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... OK I have ab-so-fucking-lutley nothing to talk about! aahhh too much going on right now and nothing really interesting to say about any of it Other than the GREAT Christopher Hitchens passed last night(E.D. note as of when I started writing this post.) it's truly a very sad day, but its always sad when reason and logic go so fast I'll miss reading and hearing from a man that walked in with a butcher knife and slaughtered sacred cows...

No matter what happens in the coming weeks, months, year...I'm making some big changes...and a few small ones as well... umm, like drinking more, OK so that's kind of a joke (sort of ) but for a long time now its been work...Home... rinse and repeat, I don't go out among the living much anymore and that's just going to stop I want to talk to people that I don't work with which is about the only people I do talk to right now.


I was talking about life and all the trappings with some of the girls at work the other day, about the ideas I have and the changes I'm making in my life and why...when all of a sudden..."So you going to get into a relationship again?" The funny thing is its not even something I really think about my (maybe someday Ex) wife and I have a really good relationship (I love her a lot, we're just not a good married couple) and while we have our "new" up's and down's and I don't think of it as a romantic type of relationship it works for me and I hope for her as well. 

Anyway...Relationships umm yeah I don't think about it much, and by that I mean pretty much at all, ever. So I tell the girls its not an idea I have and all that get the judgmental looks with the "I think hes gay" pondering going on, whatever. So this is the deal I like being single, for a lot of reasons. I'm bad at relationships, for a lot of reasons, (but at least I know I am.) To be honest there's 2 women in my life that every girl I meet gets judged next to 1 is my (blah blah blah) wife, the OTHER...we'll she's about as amazing a person you could ever want to meet. Smart, Funny, Beautiful, one of my best friends and I am totally and completely  ass over tea kettle for her (now if I could just tell her.) Well lets be real, If I had those big-a-Balls this would be a different post! I never fully say "NEVER" but I'm not that interested in going down those paths again right now and she has a pretty good life that I just don't want to bring my bullshit into.

OK...ENOUGH OF THAT!

again changes are coming slowly, like heading back to Iowa... we'll see how all that go's I think better this time. but what do I know I move about once a year maybe fort wayne Indiana next year and back to Boston the year after (LOL) so that's it... I said nothing and yet you read it 

Later Peeps 

Matthew~

So its now 3:30am as I write this, and really I have no Idea what the hell to say.
I just finished reading up this blog by this AMAZING Girl, About how shit in her life has changed for the better...Oddly, to me (in a lot of ways) her life was what a lot of us would think of as going pretty good, at least in the "American Dream" outward trappings, before the changes.
She was making a grip of cash, was Semi-Famous, (well at least for what she was "Famous" For) had what most of us would call a good set up, you know?
Anyway moving on in no time life, love, and the such happened as they always do, and BAM! some kind of shit gos down. Things while still not what most would call bad, a few problems sure some even in need of attention so this chick she ends up in rehab... blah blah blah fresh start... anyway I dig on the thing and she has a bunch of new things happening and I wish her the best.

So you're probably asking now "What dose this have to do with me?" well honestly nothing. I have no connection with this girl in anyway at all, are lives have no parallel's and no crossings nada.
but its 3 something in the morning, I'm awake when I want to be asleep just doing my thing... which is not what I want to be doing.
 Still trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do with myself and sadly realizing... I'm 36, and yet again starting over.
 I hate starting over.
I hate not starting over.
I am a bit of a vagabond, I was told a few nights ago talking with a close friend that She knows I'm not the "Settling down type" which is kind of funny to me. I am the settling down type.
Maybe not in the conventional meaning, I was already married to a...well, what I wanted to believe was an a great girl. I really did Love her, and things went...Well lets just say I wanted so badly to believe it was ideal to the point of lieing to myself it was.
It was nowhere near the reality of what it really was. Bummer I know.
I mean I'm such a great guy. Okay I'm not but I know I'm not too...
back to the point, I want to settle down by which I mean I want to find a place to work and live (not in Colorado) and just be happy.
Now if anyone I know were to read that/this, then they know the work/happy thing is kind of the same thing. and its true I love what I do, I love cooking, I LOVE being in a kitchen more than breathing, more than sex (ok maybe not more than sex) but more than well I don't know but more than whatever it is.
I'm just not as happy as I could be right now I'm miserable but I haven't been in a real kitchen in about 3 month thanks to a lot of things not worth talking about right now. So anyway I do want to find some place in the world to live,work, and just BE.